The shame, guilt and hurt that I felt throughout my life because of childhood abuse mixed with wrong lifestyle choices was breaking me from within, piece by piece.
When I was in my 40s, I began to understand the importance of dealing with deep-rooted pain. I finally gained clarity on why and what was going on within my life through healing and breath-work. I experienced abundance, a sense of fulfillment and pure joy for the first time; a feeling I was devoid of. I want to share these realizations with others so they can be inspired to reflect on their own life and lifestyle choices.
The corporate world would address my problem as burnout; but after stepping into healing since 2017 I have understood that I have three main health and life concerns:
- An auto-immune disease, the main cause of chronic illnesses.
- A Complex Post Trauma Stress Disorder (C-PTSD), the reason for my weak nervous system, stress, rage, depression, mental exhaustion and life disassociation or disconnection.
- The lack of understanding of how to protect myself emotionally or physically from a toxic corporation, family, life and relationships
I cannot blame the corporate, toxic environment or my family. I just did not know how to choose what was right for me or how to walk away from the abuse and neglect to protect myself. The painful but profound understanding of my illness was the first step towards healing.
Here are my inner truths, the deep secrets, the inner voice and the expression that I found were hidden within:
- The lack of expression stored damages my body and mind. I never had a trusted place for honest and open expression. I experienced many traumas, abuse and neglect within my childhood and never had the opportunity or environment to express them. Those memories and flashbacks full of fears and neglect were held within. Feelings and memories were often triggered in many stressful relationship interactions and environments. Some of those experiences were hidden and blocked by my subconscious mind and I was able to access many of them in Clarity Breathwork sessions.
- An excessive sense of responsibility and independence. I did not have a support system in my life which forced me to take and do things that were too much for a little girl or a single mother. I had responsibilities from an early age which I was too young to be given. I became a mother at the age of 23. Due to the lack of financial stability from my family, I had a strong desire to be financially stable, so I could give my son what I did not have. That led me to very demanding jobs. Wearing too many hats without the inner capacity and health to handle all.
- Low self-esteem, shame and feeling unsafe due to criticizing and abuse. I grew up in an environment that lacked love, and acceptance. Often as a child I was criticized and had to hear a lot of violence and verbal abuse. It made me feel unloved and rejected for most of my life. These pains were reflected into many environments throughout my life and I had difficulty ever feeling a sense of belonging and safety to any family member, community or group. That caused me to live holding anger, shame, and feeling like I could not fit or feel safe in any environment and community. I could not learn how to trust my parents, so it was very hard to know when to trust someone or not.
- An unbalanced personal and work life. I was not taught how to create a healthy and balanced lifestyle. I put my body and mind into extremes. This involved an excessive amount of work hours and international traveling. I tried to over-achieve in my career goals without ever taking time for self-care or rest.
- Lack of healthy physical and emotional habits. My lifestyle lacked exercise, nutritious foods, and healthy habits. I was not nurturing my body and mind in a healthy way to keep it strong for all the work and family demand.
- Unhealthy relationships. I experienced pain from many broken relationships with family, partners, and friends. It took a long time to understand my family members and their abusive behaviors. In my love life, I kept choosing and accepting partners that mirrored the abuse and dysfunction I experienced in my family life.
- No sense of equanimity. Giving more than what I was receiving in return. This was repetitive behavior in several aspects of my life.
- Loss of ability to socialize. Loneliness and isolation due to my small capacity to deal with a demanding world out of balance, and friends who did not understand my conditions and the need to heal and to change my life.
I thought I was living a good life. Although, I was ignoring the work abuse, the pain I was holding inside from childhood, and painful life experiences, it took me 8 years to clearly assess the way I had been living. I had to be able to make these realizations so that I could begin to understand the path to healing.
I can now share these reflections so others can start looking into their own lives, so they do not come to a life break like I did.
It is an increasing epidemic of traumatized families. (By Pete Walker, author of the book, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). With generations of sick individuals, living with wrong values of neglect and abuse, it is now worse than a pandemic because people are dead inside, accepting the virus of neglect and abuse inside and around, and without being able to express the constant abuse and neglect to the point it is believed as a normal part of life until the individual breaks his life physically, mentally, and financially.
I am not a doctor or psychologist, the only thing I can share is my own journey: of finding myself, understanding my hidden truths, healing and creating a different life out of abuse and criticism. I also understood that the most important thing to search and to find was a spiritual family and support where I could be 100% me.